I watch less television these days. There’s too much nonsense that substitutes for news, like people who “lose it” in a fast food drive-through because their order was wrong or people who call 911 because they can’t find the remote control. Notwithstanding these silly things, the most irritable aspects of television these days—particularly on the cable networks—are the highly disagreeable people brought on shows for their views and opinions.
A few are serious minded. Most reflect the highly partisan and puerile behavior that characterizes politics in the modern age. It causes me to think how artificial intelligence (AI) may be preferable to that displayed by these people, regardless of political leanings. Even people I may tend to agree with leave an annoying taste in my mouth when they conclude their five minutes of fame.
Everything from hypocrisy to whining is on full display these days. It occurs to me—mostly as a public service—that some enterprising broadcasters might consider introducing warning alerts to viewers before interviewing people who offend the sensibilities of otherwise intelligent viewers, an increasingly diminishing population, I fear.
Maybe television stations should take their cue from the Emergency Broadcasting Service whose alerts begin with several electronic squawks followed by “This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System.” Then the situation at hand, normally a weather-related event, is communicated. The same could be done when highly annoying people are interviewed. Each type of annoyance might have a unique warning tone. Consider these situations.
The Absurd-a-tone: When a guest makes an absurd statement, a voice would immediately follow saying, “Ah Come-on!” This would be audible to both the guest and the viewing public. No doubt, the guest would instinctively begin arguing with the Absurd-a-tone voice, which would be entertaining in and of itself. For fun, after a while, background laughter—like that heard in sitcoms—could be inserted. What would have been an absurd interview could be transformed into hilarity!
The Hypocrite-a-tone: This would be another fun thing to see networks do. When guests—normally self-righteous politicians or activists—begin criticizing their opposite number for the very thing they routinely do themselves, a voice declaring loudly, “Ya-gotta be kidding me!” would interrupt the guest, again provoking deserved cachinnation from viewers. Likewise, that would be entertaining.
The Dodge-a-tone: This might be a favorite tone for people wanting to hear a substantial debate. When a guest refuses to answer a question directly, diverting to talking points to change the subject from the question at hand, a voice with a Bronx accent will blare out “Jus’ answer da question!” If for no other reason, an obfuscating guest would be shocked and maybe even encouraged to, well, be directly responsive. If the guest decides to continue the diversion, the Bronx voice will also! This would be fun until the station is forced to cut to a break as the guest becomes increasingly flustered.
The Blame-a-tone: This might be a routine tone on most networks. Blame-gaming is a favorite technique for highly partisan people. They would be greeted with the voice of an umpire sounding off with “Strike Three! You’re Out!” Let them argue with the ump. More laughter.
The Victim-a-tone: This too would get much use. There are fewer responsible people interviewed anymore who say, “I was wrong.” Just victims. Their tone would be a syrupy and mournful “Oh, woe-is-me.”
The Woke-a-tone: This one might promote so much side-splitting laughter that viewers will be forced to leave the room to calm the contractions of their ribcages. When woke crybabies treat us with their current outrage, a whining voice would say “I’m offended, I’m offended!” Maybe that would cause them to tear off their mic and storm of the set. Hopefully so.
The Yawn-a-tone: Occasionally, a guest will be exceedingly tiresome. This is usually accompanied by long silent pauses when the interviewer asks a rather simple question that perplexes the interviewee. The Jeopardy “waiting” tune would work well here, and possibly encourage the interviewer to introduce a life insurance commercial guaranteed to be more interesting and informative.
The Confuse-a-tone: This might be the most used tone yet, particularly when superannuated politicians are interviewed who make utterly no sense. Here the well-known Twilight Zone jingle (Doo-da-doo-da, doo-da-doo-da, doo-da-da-la-la-loop) would be appropriate. After all, some of the things that are said by our elected leaders these days are not entirely unrelated to the sort of fiction we were treated to during Twilight Zone shows of the 1960s and 70s.
All of this is ridiculous and unnecessary. But that would require the broadcasters to raise their standards and book serious-minded adults who would logically and responsibly inform the public discourse. However, that might be more exceptional than a Twilight Zone episode featuring Martians masquerading as attendants in the corner drug store.
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